I hope that everyone enjoyed their long weekend! I worked Sunday and Monday AND lived to tell about it. Here is some hilarity to kick off your work week :)
After witnessing a child crawl around on the ground like a stray dog at my local Primanti's this weekend, my hatred for children was re-ignited. After much reflection, I realized it's not only the children that rub me the wrong way, but also their parents. The following are all scenarios of piss poor parenting (alliteration) that I have witnessed with my very own eyes, that have caused me to say (often times out loud), "I am never having kids."
Last week, a little boy was jumping around my store from chair to chair while his dad was checking the prices of numerous shorts at the register, completely oblivious to what his son was doing behind him. As little Billy (I've made up this name for him), jumps off of one of the chairs, his little knees buckle, and he lands face first onto an end table. Now, I know that I tend to exaggerate the details of stories from time to time; but I must say that I was absolutely astonished by the large amount of blood that came out of Billy's tiny nose. Cue Billy's waterworks and crying. I rush behind the register and grab a box of paper towels. Still, Billy's dad is not interested in anything but cargo shorts. I sit Indian style on the floor and motion for Billy to sit on my lap. He does. I try to stop his bloody nose paper towel after paper towel. When does his dad turn around? Six paper towels later, and only after his purchase has been finalized, of course. I washed my hands 13 times.
I know this may seem like I should be a parent, but allow me to prove otherwise. If Billy was my child, he wouldn't have the opportunity to attain a bloody nose because I was have told him about himself when he stood up on the chair to begin with. If, for whatever reason, it got to the point of a nose bleed, I would probably say something like, "Way to go, Billy. You deserve a bloody nose for acting like an idiot."
While visiting Andrea in New York a couple of weeks ago, I watched a woman bust out her boob at the breakfast table of a very nice and expensive restaurant. Now, I don't know the logistics of how breast feeding works, but I do know about social norms. I do know that only three minutes after the woman arrived, she was taking her top off. Couldn't she have done that before she left the house, or in the car, or in the bathroom? If I took my boob out at the breakfast table, I would certainly be asked to leave the establishment, and reasonably so.
Thursday morning, Target check out lane #2. A little boy throws the biggest tantrum of 2012 when his mom refuses to purchase a pack of Skittles. He puts them in the cart, mom takes them out. He puts them in the cart, mom takes them back out. This happens FIVE TIMES. The first two times I laughed and thought to myself, this lady is a moron for having a child. The following three times I just became more and more annoyed by the fact that I couldn't buy my things because this jackass couldn't take no for an answer. By the fifth time, I'd had enough. Quite loudly I said to the child, "SKITTLES MAKE YOU FAT." The mom stared at me then dragged the kid out of the store. Perhaps if she would have said something instead of playing hot potato with the stupid pack of Skittles, she would have seen some results. If this was my child, I'd leave him in the car with the window cracked after just one incident resembling this one.
Today, two small Asian girls estimated ages of six and eight are sitting on the ground criss cross apple sauce (Indian style) in the MIDDLE OF THE MALL eating some Auntie Anne's pretzels. It is Memorial Day, the mall is busy, and here are two little girls straight having a picnic on the dirty mall floor in the middle of heavy traffic. I'd ask where their parents were, but I think I already know the answer; probably buying in bulk at AnF to take back to their country to re-sell. Do their parents not watch the news? This is the set up for a perfect kidnapping.
You know why I'm not having babies? To prove a point. To try to make up for some of these idiots that HAD kids but SHOULDN'T HAVE. Some people aren't meant to have babies; they don't possess the mental or emotional capabilities to properly bring up a child, but they have one (or two or three or four) anyways. I'm waving the white flag, no babies for me... I surrender. Would I do an alright job of helping a child to develop? Perhaps. But, have you ever seen a mother in a grocery store with her child? Does she look happy? The answer is no, and there is a reason for that. Kids have needs, and they have a lot of them. Once you have a child, you cannot physically do ANYTHING without your child. It seems as though all of the parents that I have discussed above failed to recognize that before choosing to procreate.
Perhaps If I ever found a male that I believed was capable of being a father, I may reconsider. Maybe the kid that smacked his face off of the Hollister table has a perfectly caring and compassionate mother. MAYBE, but maybe not. Having only 50% of proper parenting is a failing grade, even at Shaler. My advice? Choose your companion wisely. You don't want your toddler to end up like poor Billy.
To everyone that has children that don't throw tantrums or jump on couches in public, congratulations. You must have a magic potion, and I encourage you to share it with others. To parents of children like the ones I've mentioned above; there is a reason they act like that; these are learned behaviors. To everyone without children, let's go out this weekend.
Here's to standing in as a parent to a child that isn't yours,
Xoxo
