Happy Tuesday, Everyone! :)
My sincere apologies for the delay of this post, I've been a busy little bee. The good news is, with the extra time, I was able to collect a great deal of material for this post. Recently, I have been witness to a lot of people doing absolutely ridiculous things. Most of these instances deal with stupidity, disrespect towards others, and an overall disregard for social norms. My responses to these scenarios, as well as my thoughts that I couldn't say out loud at the time, are included below.
Oh no you didn't just throw at tantrum at Starbucks because one of the employees told you that she was unable to post a flyer for your independent film. "How do you consider your business a social gathering place if members of the public can't post advertisements?" Is what the man asked poor Jill, who was only trying to make his drink while he lectured her. What I said: "They're a social gathering place because anyone can walk in and chat with their friend at a table." What I thought: How do you expect anyone to take you seriously in your Jerusalem cruisers (Jesus sandals) and a man purse? Jill wants nothing to do with this conversation and can't wait for you to be in the parking lot and out of her life forever. She doesn't make the rules... she is trying to make your drink, but you won't leave her alone. Also, pleaseeeee shut up so I can order my drink and get to work. Shit.
Oh no you didn't just send me a beer from the bar to my table while I was on a date with someone. What I said: (awkward thank you wave). What I thought: Are you kidding me? You look roughly 40 years old and I'm on a god damned date. Furthermore, we don't know each other. What exactly are your aspirations for this bold move? That I leave my date and head home with you? For all you know, this could be my husband. You idiot.
Oh no you didn't just yell at me in the mall while walking and then trip over a potted plant. What I said: (pointed and laughed). What I thought: Put down the crack pipe and pay attention to where you're walking. I'd love to respond to whatever it is that you were yelling at me, but your lack of teeth made it very hard to decipher what you were yelling. Sorry?
Oh no you didn't just fall asleep sitting upright on my couch and drop your beer, in it's entirety, all over my carpet. What I said: screamed at the top of my lungs. What I thought: I want to hate you, but I cant. How are you this tired at midnight? Psycho.
Oh no you didn't host a party with a bounce castle in your backyard, which is practically my backyard, and get my hopes up for a few fun-filled drunken moments only to rip down the bounce castle unexpectedly before I was even able to get a good buzz. What I said: (Complained to myself and Rachel). What I though: Not only did your kids annoy the crap out of me while screaming all day long on the bounce castle, but now I get no benefit whatsoever? You are selfish.
Oh no you didn't just ask about how frequently I participate in sexual activities even though you are 50+ years older than me. What I said: "You are a sick fuck." What I thought: You're obviously a horny old man, but I'm not going to stop talking to you because you said one ridiculous thing to me because I can't be mean to anyone...especially you. There were also a lot of people around, so if I go missing they will know where to look. Plus a lot of people read this blog. ...
Oh no you didn't get pissed at me for catching you steal and then proceed to knock every stack of shirts off of every table that you passed on the way to the front door while telling me that you were going to "punch me in the effing face." What I said: "Go ahead and punch me, I'm not scared of you. If I was going to punch someone, I wouldn't give them a heads-up first. People like you shouldn't be allowed in public because you have a bad attitude and no self-control. The mall is for shopping, not for tantrums." What I thought: Well, I feel much better now that I told you about yourself. I can't wait to clean up this mess you made. Wow, you are fat.
Oh no you didn't yell at me because we only have three fitting rooms and you are "in a hurry." What I said: "I'm sorry that you feel that way. I'd build you a new one but I don't have the materials for that and I'm not very handy." What I thought: Well played, Nicole.
Oh no you didn't whistle at me in the parking lot and yell that you were going to "do terrible things to me" while you were with another girl. What I said: "HAHAHAHAHA rightttttt." What I thought: I wouldn't touch you if you were the last remaining human on earth.
Oh no you didn't sass the shit out of me on marathon day and then call me the next day to shoot the shit like nothing went wrong the day before. What I said: "Okay no, you were really rude to me yesterday and we aren't friends." What I thought: You are the most troubled person I've ever encountered in my 24 years of existence.
I strongly encourage everyone to keep a journal of the absurdities in their life, as this is how I was able to conglomerate all of these moments into one forum. Also, know that if you try to outwit me you will fail miserably. The only person in life who has better comebacks than me is my brother, and he is more intelligent and more sassy than I will ever be. I hope that everyone got a good laugh or two out of this and more importantly I hope that everyone has a great week and gets a nice tan from this absolutely amazing weather.
As always,
Xoxo <3
