Good morning and happy Monday morning to every one of you. Hopefully everyone had a fantastic weekend of beautiful fall weather. Yesterday, I participated in my second inventory of the month, and I lived to tell about it. On Saturday, a baby threw up on the floor in betty's 3. I also lived to tell about that, though my initial reaction was to throw up in my own mouth and reaffirm (for the billionth time) that kids simply aren't for me. I digress....
This week a lot of very very VERY strange things happened to me. I've officially come to the realization that the most absurd beings flock to me by the dozens. I've taken a lot of time to think about what may have cause this, and I think I (and a few of my friends) have come up with an explanation. Overall, I am nice to 99% of the people that I come in contact with on a regular basis. I know that the world can be a shit place, and I am a firm believer that you cannot pass judgement on anyone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. Since I have never actually walked a mile in any one else's shoes, and you probably haven't either, it's simply easier to respect other people no matter how much or how little you may think you know about them.
It is this very ideal that has brought all of the psychos out to play in my general vicinity.
Everyone that talks to me KNOWS that I have a blog, and while I use this writing space predominantly to inspire others and provoke happiness, I have some pent up hostility just begging to be let out. From now on, if you act like an idiot or treat me like garbage I WILL CALL YOU OUT IN THIS SPACE. No more miss nice girl, if you want to act like an idiot... everyone will know about it from this point on.
The following stories are absolute truth, and I encourage all of you to laugh at my expense. I hope you are sitting down.
Whenever I first started at the south hills I drank many o cappuccino from the Gloria Jeans located in the mall. After a few awkward conversations, the man who made my beverages asked me out on a date and I explained to him that I worked on the weekends and that I was not available. I did this because I didn't want to give him a blatant "no" and hurt his feelings. Here are the facts, he is far older than me and speaks somewhat broken English. I was simply uninterested. Over the last few weeks, I've made a valiant effort to avoid this particular coffee shop in order to avoid more awkward interactions with Peter (that's his name).
However, one evening I needed a latte for my long drive home and I dragged myself to scoop up a cappuccino before my departure from the south hills. Sure enough, guess who was working. Here is how our conversation played out.
Nicole: Hi Peter, may I have a cappuccino please.
Peter: Do you still work on the weekends?
Nicole: Yes, every Friday and Saturday.
Peter: Well that's funny, because I saw you on the south side last Saturday.
Nicole: You did? Why didn't you say hello?
Peter: You were wearing a red dress.
Nicole: (creeped out) Why didn't you say hello?
Peter: You were supposed to be working.
My observations:
1. I will fall asleep driving the Jetta before I step foot into that coffee joint again.
2. I pissed off a man that doesn't even know me.
3. Peter obviously thinks I should have told him before I went out.
4. How dare I enjoy myself.
5. Why did he remember what I was wearing?
6. This is how girls like me disappear into unmarked white vans.
So that was one situation. BUT WAIT, there's more.
I can't even go into all of the details of this next psycho because our texting relationship lasted roughly 5 days before I was told about myself via books on books on books of text messages from a non-iPhone. Just to clear the air, I did not do anything wrong to this individual. In fact, we never hung out. Ever. In my lifetime. It was one of those, respond to my messages NOW regardless of what you're doing or I will text the shit out of you and fill up your message screen for whenever you pick up your phone next, knid of things.
Needless to say, it didn't end well. Amongst the books of messages, that began with "yo," and utilized the expression "don't get that twisted" (he was white, believe it or not) I was called a bitch; which, for all of you reading this... is absolutely hysterical. And once the name calling came to an end I was told.... wait... for... it.... "Do me a favor and unfriend me on facebook, I can't do it from my mobile. Thanks!" And, that was that. Needless to say, I was heartbroken.
I CAN'T AND I WON'T.
And finally, as if allllll of that wasn't enough... Justin recently told me that I owe him a Christmas present this year since I didn't get him one last year. This, of course, came after I returned the digital camera that I purchased for him after he talked to me like an idiot and then pet me on the head like a puppy in front of our waitress at Emiliano's last December. So now, he believes that I owe him a present. Tis the season.
Larry has requested that he receives a cameo at the end of every blog post from this point forward. He wishes for it to be called "Larry's tip of the week." Here is his smiles and happiness debut:
Larry psycho tip of the week: "If you don't have iMessage keep your texting to me at 140 characters or I'm not responding. Sometimes that shit sends out of order, and I'm not trying to put a fucking puzzle together"
Now, last but certainly not least, happy birthday to my favorite psycho in the whole wide world, Geoff! :) He prides himself on his number of twitter followers so if you could please follow him, that would be great, even if it's just for today: @lan17dry
Recently, my blog has gained a crazy amount of readers. If you just read this, please click the "like" button on the facebook link that I posted so I can see who is actually reading this. I'm both intrigued and flattered.
Until next week, here's to avoiding the countless psychos plaguing the world,
As always,
Xoxo<3
