As I sit down to write this blog with a very laaaaaarge glass of wine, I must warn everyone that this week's entry will be light on the smiles and happiness but very very heavy on the hilarity. I encourage everyone to pull up a chair, and get ready to copy and paste this link to their friends.
As many of you know, my history with men has been nothing short of a New York Times bestseller. Yet, every single time when I think I have seen or heard everything that there is to see or hear, it just keeps getting better. I'd like to think that, as the years progress, I am gaining a better understanding of the consistencies in the male species, particularly in their inability to gauge emotions of any kind and their overall disinterest in even trying to understand the way the female mind operates.
Over the last few weeks I have held countless conversations with my friends, both male and female, discussing the fact that I have absolutely no emotional attachment to men whatsoever. In everyone that I have met since my last boyfriend, I just can't seem to stand anyone for longer than... two weeks. This figure is very, very generous. Yet, over and over again I hear from my female friends, don't worry, you just haven't met the right one yet.
The right one. There it is; the idea that every human being has that one special person for them. If we are being honest, and I know I have said it before, I think my one true love is the gym. Zach also argues that I have an everlasting relationship with my career. I digress.
I have tried very hard to turn all of my negative experiences with men into life lessons for myself and other young girls that are sure to experience a surplus of duds before maybe actually finding a human being that is even worth getting a cup of coffee with. I use all of the bad things that happen and take preventative measures to make sure that I do not make the same mistake twice. Every time I have any sort of interest in someone, I ask them a series of questions that I have created over the years based on failed relationship after failed relationship. Yesterday on twitter #WeCantDateIf was trending, so I will use that format for my list.
#WeCantDateIf you plan on leaving the country.
This has happened not once, but twice.
#WeCantDateIf you have a permanently bad outlook on life.
Negativity is contagious, get away from me.
#WeCantDateIf you aren't educated.
I believe that college creates a well-rounded individual.
#WeCantDateIf you can't differentiate between to/too/two your/you're
Because, it's really not that tricky.
#WeCantDateIf You are attracted to other men.
This one is self-explanatory, but it tripped me up once.
#WeCantDateIf You have children
That's simply not my style.
#WeCantDateIf You are a slow walker.
These long legs have places to go, people to see, and things to do.
#WeCantDateIf You don't work out.
If I can run a marathon, you can hit the gym regularly.
#WeCantDateIf You drink and drive.
I simply don't condone behavior like that.
#WeCantDateIf You have a second, or third, or forth other girlfriend.
This one requires further explanation.....
You see, guys do this thing where they tell girls that they don't want to date them, just so whenever a better opportunity comes along, they can jump on it literally and figuratively. If they tell the girl whom they are having sexual relations with that they "don't want a girlfriend" they believe that this can constitute as a loophole for a free pass on a Friday night when they hook up with the first girl that looks their way. So guys, allow me to enlighten you. If you tell a girl that you don't want to date her, then here are some tips for you: don't hold her hand in public, don't take her out to dinner on a regular basis, don't buy her presents, don't meet her parents, don't send her flowers. Have any of you ever heard of mixed signals?
In my younger years I often fell victim to the "I don't want a girlfriend" or the "we aren't dating" epidemic. However; as I grew older, I became the other opportunity for men telling the girls that they were dating that they "weren't dating." As this habit became commonplace, I realized that the "do you have a girlfriend" question was rarely, and by rarely I mean never, answered in an honest fashion. This realization occurred to me a few years ago and came back to pay me a visit roughly two days ago.
Apparently, though, asking someone "do you have a girlfriend" makes you a "psycho." You know, as if the sheer suggestion that someone may have a significant other is simply preposterous. Here is what I can tell you, ladies. If you have a bad feeling about the legitimacy of any sort of relationship or lack of relationship, trust your instincts. If something seems amiss, it more than likely is. Don't wallow in misery, simply move on. We are better than this, and we only deserve the best.
And to you, gentlemen; how dare you. Shame on you for doubting our intelligence and ability to gauge a shady and illegitimate situation. It is actually offensive and childish that anyone would toy with someone's emotions or well-being the way that some of you do with multiple people at the same time.
Is there only one person for you? A soul mate? Hell, I don't know. You're asking the wrong girl. But here is what I can tell you; a week, a month, or a year of no boyfriend at all is a hell of a lot better than a fraudulent and fictional relationship with someone who is your significant other only when it is good for them.
And last but certainly not least, when you guys get caught in your labyrinth of lies, because you will get caught; take responsibility for your idiotic way of life. Don't get mad at me because I put together your puzzle of extensive and what you believed to be well thought-out lies. Admit that you got caught. Don't call me names and don't tell me "never to text you again." I'm sorry, did it seem like I was going to ask you to hang out tomorrow? And also, when you tell someone "you will never hear from me again," and then you text them less than five minutes later, it really seals the deal on the fact that you are far from a man of your word.
I am an a young girl with a lot of energy. I have a great outlook on life. I smile as much as I breathe and I say everything that I think. I have a job that I adore, a family that I love, and a bright future ahead of me. I am intelligent and witty, and if you, for a single second, think that you are going to outsmart me or play me for a fool, then you have met your match. No one is going to bring me down, and if you can't see how what I have to offer the world, than I have absolutely nothing to offer to you.
Additionally, some people should count their blessings that I gave up the F word for lent, because it could have been an ugly week for a handful of you.
Here's to keeping your heels high, and your standards even higher,
Xoxo
